Honesty

 

The truth is one of those things, it is one of the most important virtues. However, honesty and the truth aren’t as black and white as they seem. If, for example, someone puts on a dress and says ‘do I look fat in this?’, the answer that one should give is, ‘you are such a beautiful person, I hardly notice what you look like, let alone what you are wearing’, an answer which never goes down well. Why? Because it is too honest.

 

Honesty is important, especially in the formation of one’s own self-image. Oft we hear one say that they are ‘always honest’, yet many a bad behaviour is explained away by saying that it is ‘honesty’ (‘would you rather we were not honest?’) yet there is honesty and there is honesty.

 

Honesty is something which is holy and special. It is looking at someone and bearing your soul to them without lies, without obstruction. But as with all things which are sacred, the notion of time and place play a significant role.

 

What do I mean? Well, if we look at a case study where a person is told by their work manager that ‘people don’t like you, and are right not to do so’, and when one replies ‘uh…’, the manager replies, ‘I’m always honest’, then we can break this down into three things.

 

• Self-image

 

It is important for the manager to explain away their behaviour which they know to be bad by making them self look vitreous (‘but the enemy I see, wears a cloak of decency’ (Dylan)). In other words, they are saying that the truth is the greatest (or one of) virtues and as they speak it they are virtuous and if you are upset, well, ‘I’m sorry that you feel that way’, no, ‘I’m sorry I upset you’, or ‘I’m sorry for what I said’, nope it is all ‘what I did was right and if you are upset, well, there’s only one person to blame’.

 

This ‘brutal’ honesty is a one-way streak. If the employee was to reply,

 

‘yes, that is life, there are people who like you and people who do not like you. There are people who don’t like me and people who don’t like you. So what? Why don’t they like you? They don’t like you because you have a narcissistic personality disorder, your greatest pleasure is not the success of yourself but the failures of others, as long as you are responsible and cannot be blamed. You are vastly inferior to me in terms of intellectual and emotional intelligence, plus I know more about your ‘specialist subjects’ than you, even if I have no interest in them, which you know which is why you treat me this way and then coat it in the mask of ‘virtue’ as you cannot face who you really are, as Camus said, ‘People hasten to judge in order not to be judged themselves’ or as Nietzsche said, ‘But thus I counsel you, my friends: Mistrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful. They are people of a low sort and stock; the hangmen and the bloodhound look out of their faces. Mistrust all who talk much of their justice!’ but don’t worry, I am just being honest! You know I am honest!’

 

Then I doubt the laissez faire way in which the manager dealt with their own honesty.

 

• Reputation

 

If listening to Taylor Swift has taught me anything, it is that ‘reputation’ is very important (try her, you may be surprised, she writes the songs my heart would right if it were petty and illiterate yet catchy). However, by controlling the story and creating a culture where one can put down another to their group and call it ‘honesty’, one can create an image of being inscrutably virtuous. This goes back to the many weeks on which I have written about images and group think and, it seems, that this is a truth that we cannot escape. People are insecure and this makes them petty. If it were that all children could be taught of their value from an early age, an internal value (poor Tey Tey was taught from an early age that her only value was that which was given to her externally), then many of these problems would be removed and people would be generally, happier.

 

• Fear

 

Often people not act in a certain way due to fear, and this fear is often of being alone. They will, actively, ostracize another so that they will not be excluded themselves. Whilst this is in the workplace, it is also in daily life.

 

Let me tell you about a girl I used to know. This girl’s self-image stemmed from external locus. In other words, she only felt that she had value if she was in a relationship. She was lonely and then found someone, she told me that she was happy to have ‘found anyone’, to help her (they now live together). Six months later it turned out that the boy whom she always secretly liked, liked her too. However, as one does not mess about with another’s relationship, the boy, although it was widely known that he liked her, never ‘made a move’. Why? Because he was being honest and not causing unnecessary pain. The girl, although it was widely known that she liked him, would often complain that he hadn’t ‘made a move’ (note: I am using terminology I don’t really understand). The situation, from what I was told was thus- she liked him, he liked her. She liked him more than she liked her partner, he was single (at the time). The solution was simple- all she had to do was be honest and tell her partner that she no longer cared for him and then, once single, approach the boy that she liked and run the risk of being rejected and being alone. She never did (to my knowledge).

 

Yet, if one was to ask her she would say that she was being honest and remaining within her relationship, one all knew she was not happy in. If others were to be honest to her and say, ‘see above’, then they could be seen as going against the grain and thusly be seen as causing the problems by their honesty. So, in this instance, honesty is just a guise for fear, fear of being excluded.

 

 

 

Yes, honesty is important in affairs with intimates and the Law but when it comes to interpersonal relationships, be they not intimate or professional then, when it comes to the truth and, well general behaviour, I think we should follow the teachings of J.M Barrie, the creator of the boy who would never grow up,

 

‘Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary

 

‘till next time

 

 

(P.S. there are two blogs this week, scroll down to read the second one- which I didn’t want to write or publish but felt like I had to)